iHate My Life
by The 0dd 0ne
Summary: "Everything's funny as long as it's happening to someone else." /or/ What exactly did you do to deserve this? R
1. iKissed My Mortal Enemy

When he's fourteen, she tells thousands, if not millions of people that he's never kissed a girl. Live. On the web. On their very popular web show. Where it can't be edited out. And it can be viewed over & over & over. And thousands of wazzbags can upload the video to SplashFace so even more people can laugh at him. That gank.

He can't remember ever hating anyone more.

Well, once Carly drags him into school in an afro hat & sunglasses that she forcefully removes. And especially when everyone starts teasing him - correction, bullying. Even the sixth grade nubs, the majority of which he's pretty sure haven't kissed anyone either. Psh, at least he's _had_ a girlfriend who "kissed" him for like half a second in front of a dozen other kids. Even if she _was_ just using him to take down Carly.

So, after that fiasco, he ended up moping about on his fire escape, refusing to speak to anyone. The only time he came inside his apartment was to eat, sleep, & bathe. He even misses iCarly rehearsals, where he knows Sam, that she-Devil, that foul creature, that blonde-headed _demon,_ would just bag on him some more & possibly physically assault him - how exactly do people consider them friends again? Oh how he hates that demon spawn called Sam.

"Allow your hatred to course through your vains" - The Dareon Lord, Emperor Gersion - Galaxy Wars Episode IV: The Quorians Return

Okay, he'll give Sam the nerd thing. She's right about that much. But still! She did not need to tell the world he's never kissed anyone! Being handcuffed to Gibby couldn't be that bad!

. . .

Alright, maybe it could be. At least if you're Sam. And she did _just_ put a dead fish in his locker, it was like her buying him dinner. Rudely. And obnoxiously. And probably with other people's money. Maybe she stole it. She was Sam, she's been arrested like three times.

He could totally picture Sam walking up to some fisherman, taking his fish, & slapping him with it. That was something she would do.

He actually found himself chuckling at the thought of Sam slapping a man with his own fish after stealing it. Speaking of amusing things that demon did, iCarly should be on soon.

Deciding to bide some time, he entered FML into the search bar, deciding what was happening to him at the moment was definitely a good time to say FML, most of his life could have the same said about it.

OCD, insanely overprotective mom, check.

Unrequited love, aka, being stuck in the friend zone with the girl of his dreams, check.

Bullied mercilessly by his dream girl's vicious best friend who hates his guts & constantly ruins his life, check.

Locker in between 2 sweaty wrestlers, check.

Sadistic teachers, check.

The butt of everyone's jokes, check.

He quickly began his entry, a minute until iCarly.

_Today, the girl of my dreams', who has friendzoned me, vicious best friend who constantly causes me physical & emotional pain still hasn't apologized for telling the internet I've yet to kiss a girl._

His eyes caught sight of the time, iCarly was starting, he'd have to wait to finish his FML.

Freddie turned down his PearPod's shuffle & Zaplooked , he wasn't sure he should watch, yes he loved Carly, yes he loved being a part of iCarly, but Sam was such a gank. Yeah, he'd never call her one to her face, she'd break his _everything,_ but she was.

Maybe Carly had convinced, no, forced her to apologize & threaten the viewers. Well, Carly wouldn't threaten anyone, indirectly or not.

So, Fredward Benson watched the webcast of iCarly that night. And then, in place of the meatball war the two girls were meant to have, Sam Puckett apologized & lied that she hadn't been kissed. She even told viewers they should harass her. But Sam being Sam pointed out that that was a terrible idea if you didn't live near a hospital.

Then, she came out to his fire escape - after speaking with his nutjob mother who called her Samantha which she hated more than the twin sister she refused to tell him about even though Carly had told her she should since they were apparently friends - & apologized live & in person, telling him that she had indeed never been kissed.

And that is how Sam & Freddie got their first kiss. And became very confused.

* * *

_Today, the girl of my dreams' vicious best friend who causes me physical & emotional pain, apologized for telling the internet that I've yet to kiss a girl. She then said she'd never kissed anyone either & came to talk to me. We ended up kissing to "get it over with." For 8 glorious seconds. I'm supposed to hate her. FML_

_#694 | I agree, your life sucks (254863) - you deserved it (8239)_

* * *

Sam was beyond confuzzled - she didn't really know what confuzzled meant but she liked saying it. As she lay on the Shay's couch, staring at the ceiling, Carly-less, she replayed her first kiss in her head. What. The. Chiz?

She kissed a nub.

Sam kissed Freddie.

Sam Puckett kissed Freddie Benson.

Samantha Puckett kissed Fredward Benson.

Oh my God.

She kissed him.

And his name is Fredward.

She's so confuzzled.

* * *

_Today, I got my first kiss. With a complete nub I could of sworn I hated. Now I think I might like him. The bad part? He's been in love with my best friend since the sixth grade & I've tormented him every day since we met since I didn't think he was good enough for her. FML_

_#702 | I agree, your life sucks (193742) - you deserved it (11207)_


	2. iHad the Worst Birthday

For her birthday, Spencer decided to take her to a petting zoo. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Why?

The goat. The _freaking_ goat.

Never again. Never. Again.

Sam agrees. And Sam thought it was hillarious. She laughed so hard she almost wazzed herself, but she can hold it for like three hours. Carly found that out in the seventh grade, when Sam convinced her to sneak into an R-rated comedy that ran for three hours - she knows, long movie - & held it the whole way through. Freddie was impressed too, yes, Freddie was there, he came with them - no, don't even _think_ it.

What did the goat do?

She will never talk about it again. Ever. It just doesn't get spoken of. Just no. It doesn't happen. Sam will maim people who do. Right? Right.

"Oh my God," Sam laughed, clutching her stomach, "I can't believe the goat did that!"

Freddie's mouth opened & closed silently, oh my God. He can never look at goats the same way. From that point on, they were like swans - _ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! Swans are freaky demon birds! Gah!_

"We never speak of it. Again." Carly managed, eyes wide open in sheer terror. An equally traumatized Spencer had gone to the Groovy Smoothie to get them all 'I'm so sorry the goat did that horrible thing' compensation smoothies

"Sure, Carls," Sam laughed out.

Freddie shook his head. No, no, no. Carly didn't want to speak of it. They would not speak of it. "Sam, don't laugh about it - owww!" Freddie screamed as Sam crashed a jank vase Mrs. Benson gave Carly for her birthday into the back of his head.

"Oh my God! Sam, he's bleeding! We've gotta get him to a hospital!" Carly screamed, oh my God, oh my God! Freddie was bleeding, Freddie was bleeding! Oh chiz, oh chiz, oh freaking chiz!

"Relax, Carls, he's not bleeding that bad, no shards are lodged in, Crazy's next door, we say he tripped & fell on the jank vase," Sam calmly said, examining his head.

"Sam! Can't you show a little concern?" Carly exclaimed, Sam really was too much.

"I'm examing the wound, aren't I?" Sam scoffed.

"Well, yeah, but, c'mon! You hit him in the head with a vase - a hideous, jank vase I hated, but still!"

"Fine, I'll wrap it up, get me some wrapping stuff, a rag, that cleaning spray chiz, duct tape, & a hat," Sam instructed.

"Alright!" Carly called out, running off.

"Sit down, Fredlumps," Sam murmured, guiding a groaning Freddie to the couch.

"Oh my God, it hurts so much," Freddie groaned.

"Shut up a little, Sammy knows," she hushed him.

"Oh my God, you hit me with a vase," he groaned.

"Yeah, shut up, I know, I was there, I'm gonna wrap you up," she told him.

"I'm back! I've got the gauze, the spray, the duct tape, & the hat," Carly announced, running down the stairs.

"Awesome, hand it over to Mama," Sam commanded.

"Here," Carly handed the items to Sam who began spraying the wound & told Carly to soak up any blood stains. Freddie whimpered & cringed & groaned as Sam finished squirting his head & brushing pieces of glass off.

"Hold still, Nub," she commanded, tightly wrapping his skull.

"Sam, Sam, too much pressure!" He cried out.

"Do you want to bleed all over the hat?" She snapped.

"Where'd you even learn to do this?" He asked.

"Juvie!" She told him, yanking a piece of duct tape off the roll.

"Oh my God," Freddie groaned over Carly's hushed squeals as she soaked up drops of blood.

"This is so gross," Carly whimpered as Sam taped the gauze down.

"I need you to shut up, Carls, just, start sweepin' up the shards," Sam instructed, patting down the gauze. "There, Benson, good as you'll get."

"Why did you even hit me with a vase?" Freddie groaned.

"You don't remember? Alright, Carls, that's one less person who'll talk about it," Sam shrugged, pushing a glittery fedora onto Freddie's head.

"This is horrible," Freddie muttered, wincing.

"Well, go home, Benson," Sam instructed, shunning him & plopping herself down on the couch to watch _Girly Cow_. Carly sighed as she emptied the dustpan of vase shards. That wasn't a good birthday.

_Today was my birthday. My brother took me & my best friends to a petting zoo. The goat did things to me. My best friend laughed about it the whole ride home & then hit our other best friend with a vase for telling her not to. I had to clean the blood up. FML_

_Today, I was hit in the head with a vase my mother bought by one of my best friends causing me to suffer memory loss. This happened after a trip to the petting zoo for our best friend's birthday where a goat did something to her. No one will tell me what happened at the zoo or why I was hit in the head with a vase. FML_


End file.
